Sobriety

woke up with the worst ever hangover. maybe i will just stick to safer house pours next time. no more drinking for a while.

and. never trust your own judgment when you are drunk. The lack of sobriety...can cause much thorough embarrassment. Must.....exercise....moderation.

lancing is fun though

after 2 weeks without any run, I dragged myself for one the first thing I woke up today. 2h 50mins I ran 17.8km. Slow today and I must have stopped a million times.

Success is not achievements. Successfulness is not measured by achievements. Success is when what you give back or contributed outweighs and is more than what you have taken or benefited from-the society, family, friends, co-workers etc etc.

Are you working towards success?

2009 resolution

Today I resolve to speak up and speak out, with the aim to letting people around me realise how smart and clever I am. Speak up and speak out in confident voice, in defiance, to the extent of arrogance, to the extent of inviting and creating trouble. To think strategically, to question and challenge norms and status quo. It takes practice and courage to accept the risks in voicing my views, and I will do it. Whatever reasons why I have been self-censoring my thoughts, this habit will be undone in9.

crank it up brain

everyday at the course, they try to cramp our (or rather, my) miniscular brain with big thinkings, high-level big picture stuff. Well appreciating it is no problem, but to critiquing and asking the right questions warrants either a very inquisitive mind, or someone very motivated to ask questions. I know that I appreciate the broad-level stuff they throw at us, but i have this bad habit of terminating my thoughts prematurely when I make presumptions that the panel will not be able to answer my questions the way I think it should be. It's time I acknowledge that there are just some questions that do not have answers, but lead to more questions. And that is a learning experience as well.

It's halfway through the course, and one thing that strikes out is really that moderation is immensely difficult to achieve when you are steering a big institution. A REALLY big institution, with long, far-reaching tentacles, but yet one that is unable to control everything. Sometimes (and often), the tentacles tangle themselves up because they each have somewhat a mind of their own. Concerted efforts to move in the same general direction are needed, but often hard to achieve. Success in small terms are easy to construct. Mega successes are hard - you need the TOP brains to command and steer together. So it begets my dumb question of why bother. A bottoms-up approach is almost always seemingly futile if you are thinking of a viral-like change. Even free agents, with the autonomy (and strong backing), do probe and question existing structures and processes, they also have to navigate their way around them to carve and bundle the right resources for their causes. There's no such thing as ramming down walls of rules and processes. You need to work with them. Perhaps it is just meant to us to emphathise on work of people on other tentacles, if so, I guess I do and I am indeed now very much more aware of the difficult work of the institutions that tries to serve us all. But yet, it is a given fact that you can't please everyone, and your job is to minimise the gaps.

I really like the zoom out-zoom in-zoom out approach of adjusting perspectives shared by the coordinator. It's like using a camera with super lenses. Effective officers are able to zoom out of their daily work to understand where it fits in the big (big is a matter of perspectives, different people view different things differently) picture; and then zoom in again to see if their way of doing things is the best way; (does it fit into the bigger objectives, can it be done better) and zoom out again. But I suspect I am getting altitude sickness from the zooming in and out of work (yes I am required to do so everyday because of the nature of my portfolio, deep-diving into technicalities and helicopter view of big pictures). Altitude sickness. Puke.

Also a key thing that stuck in my mind today was when one of the presenters shared how it is a systemic issue (I suppose it is true for any big enterprise/system as well) that because everybody has different views and perspectives, the same stimulus will result in different responses in different people. And we can't run away from this even though we are one human species: our experiences, thinking etc etc shapes the way we think and creates a different context/mental model/mindset for everyone -- and we respond differently. Hence everybody is right, and everybody is wrong at the same time (example of getting a few blind people to describe a HUGE elephant). The fact is that no one person can see the big picture. We need to communicate with one another what we see, to piece our little pictures together to form the holistic big picture.

But yet it is also important to know when enough information is enough, so that we can decide what we want to achieve with part of the big picture that is formed.

Ok I've dumped enough things here to absorb more tmr...

moody.

The horoscope for 18 jan 2009 makes it sound like I've got serious impulse control issues.

"Rivalries in business may agitate your professional life; don't react inopportunely and violently to the maneuvers of your competitors. Your sexual impulses will be exacerbated by the Moon in this aspect; you will be tempted by extra-marital adventures. Appeal to your strong willpower, which should help you not to annihilate your instincts, but to control them better and, in certain desirable cases, to sublimate them. On the other hand, protect your arteries by eating fatty fish, salmons for instance."

What extra-marital adventures (it's interesting to note that they used "adventure" instead of "affair"). But still, i'm not married, what extra-marital adventures can i have. Or maybe the other party is married/attached. And I'm supposed to resist and sublimate the instincts. (notice they emphasized not annihilating it hah.) I hope the willpowers are not waning.

It's a sucky sunday. I've got too many things messing up my mind. A thought that keeps recurring is that somethings cannot be forced, and I am tired to try too hard..

Let me see, reasons for the moodiness. Too many things undone, and nothing I look forward to is within view. Cannot be bothered about CNY, dreading it even. Next week a lot of work to do on top of the course. My brain feels jammed up. Body is aching like shit. No news for masters application.

:(

And I thought I'd have time to rest during this 2-week away from office. Instead it becomes like I'm working 2 shifts. 3 in fact. Daytime of modules and seminars. Some reading materials and project that eats into outside official working hours. Work and appraisal stuff that FURTHER eats up after-working-hours. It's a good thing that I get over-caffeinated during courses. But right now my eyes are damn tired...still got report to read, research to do, some techy stuff to mess around with for knowledge-building. Brain in overdrive. Need some rest, why is the cocktail competition still 2 days away!!! Drinks and some fun desperately needed. Until then, I will survive on minimal sleep this week.

I've been getting familiar feeling of paranoia that disappointment may hit me of late. If I get a double(or triple)-whammy of disappointment in the first half of 2009, i will feel very very very very lousy about myself (i.e. feel worthless, incompetent, the like). I am not good at dealing with rejections. I don't know what will happen to my ego if that happens. I hope it doesn't.

I hope the golf lessons works out, learning something new will be good for me.

this weekend i will tag all my posts, because tagging is a useful habit to cultivate if you are thinking of managing large data volume and make them more search-friendly in the future. Of course there are others who believe in a less secondary meta-tagging and a more artificial intelligence-enabled search. but anyways, tagging here i come.

I tried running to the marine barrage today. Not a good route to run, at least until all the constructions are done. The amount of pollutants in the air along the way was probably equivalent to eating two mouthful of sand. I didn't make it there because 1) it was getting dustier and dustier and 2) I was increasingly surrounded by abnn and my friend was a bit behind, so I just stopped. About 6.5km but didn't like the frequent stops. It messes up my rhythm. My feet are still wasted from killer heels on thurs, which left my left foot with 4 blisters and right foot with 3. I surrendered to the holy heels and wore slippers home that day.

it's busy now, and will only get busier. Work is challenging and going the technical route is a deep dive, into a bottomless pit. But i think bracing myself for the very very long free-falling into the technicalities will help. Appraisal is coming soon, got to document down achievements for last year. I realize I'm quite a sucker for targets and goals. Maybe life is too long a journey, so we need pit-stops and checkpoints to tell us where to go next.

Got more things to bitch about, like how much work I brought home despite having a 2-week course coming up. Not completing the e-learning module despite staying back office to do these miscellaneous stuff. More things, but I'm so sleepy now. I'm back to a 2-coffee a day routine. Mornings start of with white columbia coffee or mcafe, and afternoons with vietnam G7 coffee (kudos to zy for free coffee and perky afternoons).

The bottle of tequila stares at me every night when I sit in front of the comp. I can't wait for the cocktail competition and a few tequila shots to start the night off then!

Time to sleep.

learn something new every year

I think I need to learn something new soon. Come to think of it, I have been learning at least 1 new thing every year for the past few years. There's been inline hockey, muay thai, drums, dragon boat. What will it be in 2009? New language? Scuba diving? Golf? Photography? Got to find new stimulus for the brain and defy aging, grow new synapses.

getting preoccupied these days, some, actually many, things on my mind. February will be hard to bear. Suspense in waiting and hoping for response, unsettled adult things at the back of my mind, work to be continued in tip-top condition. Don't like this scatter-brain feeling, need to focus the mind again.

anime airbender avatar

never underestimate what you can learn from unexpected things. like anime. from The Last Airbender, below are the 8 chakras, whatever they mean.

1. First is the Earth Chakra, located at the base of the spine. It deals with survival, and is blocked by fear. Let your greatest fears become clear to you. You may be concerned for your survival, but you must let those fears go.

2. Next is the Water Chakra, located in the abdomen. It deals with pleasure, and is blocked by guilt. Look at the guilt from your past that burdens you. Let them go, or they will poison your energy. Meditate and realize that these things happened for a purpose.

3. Next is the Fire Chakra, located at the stomach. It deals with willpower, and is blocked by shame. Recognize the biggest disappointments in yourself, and what you are ashamed of. Accept that these things happened.

4. Now is the Air Chakra, located at the heart. It deals with love, and is blocked by grief. Lay all of your grief out in front of you. If you have lost someone close, you must realize love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. The love is still in your heart, and can be reborn in the shape of new love.

5. Next is the Sound Chakra, located at the throat. It deals with truth, and is blocked by lies. The lies we tell ourselves. You must not lie about your own nature. Accept who you are.

6. Up next: the Light Chakra, located at the forehead. It deals with insight, and is blocked by illusions. The biggest illusion of all is the illusion of separation. Things we think are separate are actually one and the same. Like the nations of the world: we are all one people, but we live as if divided.

7. Last is the Thought Chakra, located at the crown of the forehead. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attachments. Meditate on what attaches you to this world. Let your emotions flow and be forgotten. You must unlock this chakra to gain your energy from the universe.

8. Congratulations! You've unlocked all of the chakras! Now go show that Fire Lord Ozai who's boss!

I am thawing my nose and fingers outside now, before i return for a long night of reading tonight.. Brrr

I think i ran very fast today, because in abt 57min i ran from office to fort road and with a detour to kallang bridge instead of the usual nicoll highway bridge to sdba. I had to go down the tunnel and run upslope because of a broken pipe at the construction site. It was basically a mudwater geyser. It must also be the nagging feeling that the longer route will make my friends wait longer at ecp that made me faster. And i am happy to share that the run has made my aching back and neck slightly better.

Dinner at ecp food centre was the usual beef kway teow store. Or should i say gu ba guay diow store. My hokkien is fail liao. One is jit, not jeet. Sugarcane is gam something zwee. Chilli is hiam jio not ham (read 'a' as ah) jio. Chicken rice is ...oh gue beng. Prawn noodle is heh mee. No bean sprouts is mai dao gei. The rest of the impromptu hokkien vocab and translation test i cannot remember liao. I think my hokkien got ang moh accent one, is very the funny. That was dinner at ecp on a tuesday night.

Starting low

Severe neck and backache now. From hiatus of rowing for 6 weeks. How come inhaling that much deep heat or yokoyoko from the muay thai fight yesterday didn't alleviate anything? Guess somethings only work when applied externally. Yesterday wasn't a very good day, fren lost fight (and got a bloody nose), fren's car got scratched at a tight carpark turn. Was pretty ok for me though, just pretty beat up at the end of the day (which ended at 8.50pm).

Today is pretty sucky too, guess 2009 decided to start on a low note. But that's what life is like huh, stock market like, got its highs and lows, and mostly unpredictable. It's how you keep your sanity when everybody's losing theirs. Of course it's easier when less people around you are insane or full of nonsense. But i think life is fair at the end of the day. You get the rewards you deserve, or punishments if not so. The what goes around comes around thing.

trying to be good, responsible and the support that i can be is not enough. I need to be clever, rational and determined. Enough of people who only talk about issues and not act on them, and enough of people who think they are victims. Enough of tyrants. I need to think, like jimmy neutron, think.

things i deserve to get in 2009

might as well list them down. working list. will grow.

1. ipod nano
2. a new huggable pillow
3. back rub after crazy db session
4. new ear phones
5. hugs
6. a new computer game
7. guitar hero III/world tour, if i ever find a japanese version that can be played on my cheong-ed wii
8. good coffee at least twice a week
9. good workouts at least twice a week
10. ...to be continued

face the wind

when the path you want to walk is littered with obstacles and the wind is blowing into your eye what do you do? Do you surrender to the wind and turn back, or face it and trudge on? There is really no point in turning back, sunk costs, opportunity costs lost both ways. The moment you turn back against the wind you may just lose your footing and fall, why not just steady yourself and walk on towards where you want to go. It is so easy to forget where we want to go, because of distractions along the way or weariness that makes you wonder if you should just take an easier route to somewhere else instead.

Luckily I am surrounded by friends. People i know who can cheer me on and even pull me along if need be. Thanks bestest for buying nuggets for me so that i didn't starve while waiting for dinner, and bestest's gf for the $1.70 overly-laced-alcohol-mussels, yummy spinach and very pumpkined pumpkin-prawn-crab-sotong soup-which-i-drank-3-bowls of. I believe i paid my due by fixing up your table fan heheh.

I think this year I will try to live life with more compassion on top of the things I will be focusing on. Since money is no enough, donating blood will be a good cause that I will try to do more of. plus everytime i go i get a free stress ball.

I just remembered that i have not gotten my x'mas presents from my bestestSS!!! :((

Trivia time - did you know that we gained 1 second from end of 2008 to 2009? It's called a leap second

From timeanddate.com -
A positive leap second will be introduced at the end of December 2008.
The sequence of dates of the UTC second markers will be:  
  
                        2008 December 31,     23h 59m 59s
                        2008 December 31,     23h 59m 60s
                        2009 January   1,      0h  0m  0s

2009's opening

Did not expect the last day of 2008 to end like that, and 2009 to begin like that. A roller coaster ride, almost brought me down. A good escape at St James, had to coax myself to let go and relax and dance and enjoy the music (despite the lack of alcohol buzz - it is too expensive to get myself drunk outside).

The lines on our palms, people like to have them read to get a glimpse of their future. My palm lines are quite interesting, two 'broken' palms. But like what my mum says, those lines change, and eventually, our destiny is in our own hands and not dictated by the lines. I have to promise myself to strive on and give myself what I deserve in 2009 no matter what.

A new lesson, revelation, is that everybody thinks differently. Not just their opinions about a matter, that a superficial difference in thinking. The root of people's thought process can be so astonishingly unexpected. How people think differently stems from their contextual experience, something that is very hard for another person to "be in the shoes of". need more lessons from my bestest on counseling, or someone to teach me the way human minds work.