friends

i was all bumped out at work, and it was really really a disastrous monday. colleague was on mc and i had to cover things that i am not that familiar with, on top of my own programme stuff that has deadline looming ominously. But it was nice to just have dinner with familiar faces and talk about non-work stuff. Gives you temporary relief to 'space yourself' ;p, after all it's only sensible to make sure we get enough rest to continue and enjoy the rest of the journey.

I will however, get some work done tonight. I was the one who gave 'homework' to everybody, so i better make sure mine gets done.


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interesting article from slow leadership
http://www.slowleadership.org/blog/2008/06/know-thyself-and-workplace-conflict/

"A self-aware person is one who examines the quality of his/her interpersonal relationships on a consistent basis. A self-aware organization is one that examines the quality of its interpersonal dynamics in the same way. To be an effective leader, you need to support people to engage in reducing the negative effects of workplace conflict. Focusing on the ‘technical’ alone won’t do it — never has, never will."

i will just keep posting until i feel that there is not enough time to work on the damn paper. i must have successfully convinced my body that i am not supposed to work this weekend.

sunday evening. my biceps, tricep and whatever -ceps are aching. The ache is distracting me from doing any real work. Of cos the huge resistance is the work itself.

how important is a relationship in our lives? each is destined to leave a scar somewhat, people don't stay together forever, unless u have the fortune of dying at the same moment with the one you deem as your destined love. the knowing that some hurt is inevitable, is that what keeps people from relationship when they are single, is that what keeps people in a relationship when they are together? the feeling of freedom, or feeling without a care in the world, of hearing you own laughter mixed with your special one, that's probably the best thing about a relationship. it takes so much to go into a relationship, and so much to leave one. To put in all the effort to build the trust, respect and honesty with someone cannot be one-sided, and supposedly, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It will feel natural, and things just fall in place, with some effort, but not too much.

It is 2:30am. i have just finished the mgmt report and the slides to be used at tmr's jc briefing that my boss asked to stand in for. i am so tired and sleepy now. i hope the briefing goes well tmr, then i will ask if i can work from home in the afternoon.

what else, the to-do list is growing at a rate faster than i can tick them off. i really don't want to work this weekend. just want to enjoy the races and have some fun.

i hope i live pass june, then jul and to get to see langkawi and tan on the beach. then after that i can go get the tattoo i want. time to get some rest.

quick one

1) meaningful speech from J. K. Rowling (http://harvardmagazine.com/go/jkrowling.html)

2) i really need to expend the energy that is turning into headaches everyday (or the headaches could be due to the excessive coffee junkie i have turned into....a long time ago)

you are the pawn

there are only 3 types of posts i write - work complaints, relationship and random musings.

on work - i will be meeting bigbig boss tomorrow. and got tekan-ed by big boss today, i think he bu shuang i bypassed him and sent materials to bigbig boss. but my boss says, dun care about him. that's what my work is about, reconciling differences between bosses, reconciling conflicting instructions and deciphering their meaning between the line. more often, you are not the reason for the tekan-ing. u are just the sacrificial item for each boss to display his/her power or anger or wat not. so i take such sessions much easier now - when big boss says things like "that's the difference between a good presenter (i.e., he is trying to imply himself) and a waffler." i know he is trying to say that i'm a lousy presenter and trying to put me down. But such statements don't have an effect on me now, i'm so proud, i'm completely immune to it :)! Because i know that deep inside he knows that the damn slides have been cleared by himself before, so i dunno what is his problem. actually i do know what is his problem. he bu shuang i bypassed him to bigbig boss.

new word: waffler - someone who speaks or write in a vague or evasive manner.

i better eat some guts tomorrow and say my piece in the meeting with bigbig boss...

impending doom

i can sense the impending attacks coming. i need 36 hours tomorrow, cramped into a 24-hr day. 2 presentations, 1 file to prepare, and loads of shit to take care of.

work aside.

I will strive not to say "sibeh" anymore. the need to display the extremity will be replaced by a. "damn" and b. "fu*king". Although none make "sibeh sian" sound like you are really sibeh sian. tamade will gladly be retained in my vocab of vulgarities.

race is next week. i am quite excited, although i have no inkling of what's going to happen. i can only remind myself to keep my punching arm closer to my forehead, and for the paddle to be parallel to the boat.

badminton on friday was fun, with sy, yl, kx and juniors. i think the gym sessions made a difference, it may be my illusion (or because i just restrung my babolar racket), my smashes feel harder. maybe i should string the tension 24 instead.

i just updated some profile item that asked what i think is most important in a relationship. it was originally "trust", now it's "trust and respect". trust still comes first, because without it, the relationship is meaningless. respect is important, because without it, two because cannot stay together for long.

i feel so tired now. and a little unhappy.

the difference between aim and objective

Aims and objectives are always linked, but often confused.  They are, however, quite distinct:

Aims are the changes you hope to achieve as a result of your work

Objectives are the activities you undertake and the services you offer to bring these changes about

Defining your desired outcomes is part of good project planning.  Outcomes are linked to your aims, so defining clear aims will help you identify your outcomes.

(source: http://www.ces-vol.org.uk/index.cfm?pg=123)

Their planning triangle at

http://www.ces-vol.org.uk/index.cfm?pg=124

i don't smoke cos i don't quit!

a few random things that i thought of today
1. i dreamt of a huge begadale (malay food that is made of potato, made circular, flatted a little and fried).  I think i was having potato cravings at night
2. steps to do work - u commission a research firm to do research, get data etc so that u can use as 'evidence' to do a piece of work that obviously needs to be done.  then u convince management that u need money to do it. how u do it doesn't matter at this point of time.
3. the title of this post has little relevance to what i am writing, the thought just stuck in my head
4. i need more coffee.  there is no caffeine in 3-in-1 instant mixes.
5. i think i am doing a good job not having panic attacks despite the roadblocks charging at me..unless it's just that the panic attacks have not actually happened....

confused and unhappy

I hate it when I am losing steam in the work I do.  The sense of loss of direction has come back to haunt me.  I need to find ways to talk myself out into a picture of possibilities and optimism again.  It is like a disease that strikes every year (or every half a year when I am unguarded, and my mind is weak).  My strength and feeling of self-worth is being doubted by myself at times like these and it is a bad bad feeling.  The need to think about the future is a daunting thing that I have tried to do many things, but with no conclusions.  Only options are discovered, and eliminated.  Too many baggage and constraints that I am afraid to break through.  Have I drawn myself into a circle and restricted my own movement? 

 

Is this lack of stability a sign of immaturity or frivolity?  I need to talk to someone who can tell me something; someone who can open my eye of wisdom and restore the peace within me.