Today is a better day, maybe because there was a huge rainbow right at my window at knock off time where I don't knock off. It was big, and a real big arc. Also because my new lappie came, and opening the numerous boxes and know that I'll be using the new stuff made me feel better. I don't mean to brag, but my work station is looking awfully high-tech now that I have not 1 but 2 external monitors. Like traders like that. That's what Bill Gates had, 3 screens. Now i have 3 screen to look at too. But the extra monitor takes up a fair bit of tabletop space which is essential for me to organize my stuff. (i'm a spatial person, I need to see where my things are).

Got work to do, all with the same deadline. But feel more sleepy than anything else now.

drifting

right now, this moment, there is really nothing I am looking forward to. It's a lousy week, right from the start. I don't feel like managing myself properly anymore. I feel like letting myself fall into pieces and be blown away like dust. I feel like disappearing, vanishing into thin air.

Let me indulge in self-wallowing for a while. Of self-hollowness.

What is the thing, who is the one I can focus on, to bring my life together. It's a strange feeling, losing yourself because you lost focus. It feels like becoming transparent. Maybe I am really disappearing this moment.

But yet tomorrow my solid form will reappear for me to go to work. I am whole when I am occupied. Really dislike this drifting feeling.

unexpected

Sometimes, things just don't turn out the way we want them to. No matter how much you want, hope or desire it to be, call it fate, destiny or just time playing a fool of you, the image you imagined is but, an imagination. But take heart that you know now what are figments of imagination and that you have tried to make it a reality. Know that fools are those who end up dying trying for something that was never meant to be. Try once, try twice and take a reality check.

I have one more hope that will reveal itself soon. I tried, and can only now take a deep breath and await the result. Chicago, I wish, will not be as elusive.

xplore

it's one of those times where there's work to do and you don't feel like doing and end up blogging instead. Today, along with the SD winning team (hah), we crawled through an inflatable challenge, swam, biked, shot some laser clay and the only man in the team climbed the rock wall.

What a fun day. All the competition in the name of good fun.

Vxxt is a very strong chemical. All 27 years' worth of hair gone in 8 minutes. But they'll grow back.

My right knee has not recovered, the pain comes and goes. If i can't run soon, I don't know how I can train properly for the sundown.

It sucked that golf was postponed, but it will happen next sat. Should be able to borrow Mel's clubs to practise soon.. And suddenly my friends all seem to be taking french classes at Alliance Francaise...and they are all booked out until the May classes. Maybe I will sign up for the Sat AM classes too.

Must reach office by 8am tomorrow. I don't think the work is worth doing over the rest of my weekend.

12.14km

today I ran 12.14km in 1 hr 20min. Right knee hurt a lot, and I had to stop for my sugarcane juice.

Tired now. With a busted right knee, and stomache from the run, I feel nuah and stoned. Yesterday was the interview. I thought it went ok. Just that with the number of highly (i presume) qualified candidates, I wonder if ok is good enough. Will just wait and pray that good news come my way.

Yawnz.

growing younger

Just caught Benjamin Buttons. I like it, but it's hard to put a finger on the show. It's not intense, but very affecting. The last part when she carried him in her arms, and with the narration, i was pretty much engulfed by emotions. But it was hard to differentiate what the different emotions I felt then.

Moments never last, you can only treasure the moment when it happens. Things change, but feelings can remain the same. But too often then not, we allow external environment to become the reason for the change in feelings. I believe in steadfast feelings, and I think I can love someone for a very very very long time if the person also loves me back. I don't think I can do unreciprocated love for very long. Must have returns haha. Unrequited love is no-no, but I can like someone for very long, that I know.

That's all for the emo-blog. It is time to focus on some thinking and serious prep work.

Had an interesting conversation recently, on the part 1 and part 2 of love and loving. I suppose part 1 refers to the falling in love, and part 2 the being in love. Some people are rational then irrational, others irrational then rational, and there must be rational-rational (boring ppl) and the irrational-irrational (crazy and slightly-fused-up-there ppl). Nothing is right or wrong, as long as two people are happy together.

love and relationships. Love is not equal to relationship. Relationship is not equal to love. Nothing much to say, just a random thought.

Took 2 Likeness quiz in facebook. I am amused. 2 quizzes showed that

i) I am as cool as a cucumber
You've got a great attitude going on - friendly, laid-back, open to new experiences. Anyone should want to hang out with you, and if they don't - well, that's their problem, not yours. Just let it roll off your back. We're pretty sure you do that anyway.

Don't be afraid to show a little attitude every once in a while - it's cool being cool, but it's also pretty nice to get your way and influence the people around you. A little bit. We wouldn't want you to lose your cucumber-ness.

I like the cucumber-ness ;)

ii) My perfect relationship is "friends with benefits"

Let's be honest here: you're not looking for a relationship at all. You'd much rather have a makeout partner and still be free to flirt with whoever you want.

Do us all a favor and stay away from Relationship Land. Find someone who's just as commitment-phobic as you are.

Appalling and shocking. I do not believe it is true. I LOVE relationships. ha.. But if the cucumber-ness is true......

*reminder to self - speak out and speak up, at every possible opportunity, without hesitation to use the opportunity. and make yourself heard.

a line from the papers today said that a simple way is to remember that there are always two sides to a coin. It is important to be open to knowing and hearing different perspectives, even if you may not understand or agree with them. It is something i remind myself, to always keep the mind open. To learn,not form judgments, from good and bad experiences, and to derive satisfaction from the simple things in life.

something new is about to start in my life and I am very looking forward to it :)

half-marathon

that's what 21.33km feels like. It took me 3 hours, and a cup of sugarcane juice to demolish the 21.33km. Then again, the demolishing was more of my legs. Oh ya, and I just have to run the same distance twice. How screwed am i. It wasn't a deliberate attempt to run a 21km, just so happened that as I started running I realized there were 50 songs in the new *ahem* ipod nano that I just bought (yes I have fallen to the dark side), so I thought why not just run until the 50 songs end. So I thought. What I didn't realize was that 50 songs = 3hr 20 mins. So in the end I only ran 45 songs.

Very apt songs I choose. From Run by Collective Soul(which played at roughly 15km mark) the lyrics goes *guitar jam jam jam* "...have I got a long way, to run..." *jam jam jam* "have I got a long way, to run".

At the near end I was more of staring at my legs to make sure they were still mine. I think by the end of 42km they probably wouldn't feel like mine anymore

been working late every night this entire week. so many things to read. reports, whitepapers, bulletins, news, background materials, research...plus got to digest and form relations and associations of the many many things after that. and think of how to make things work. leveling of different types of projects, forums, platforms. which buttons to push, what level to pitch papers - strategy-level, conceptualization, framework, implementation plans, workplans. then about governance structure.

not having time to think and sort things through is giving me a headache. and some old problems seem to be peeking over my shoulders and starting to vex me up again. sigh. and i haven't exercised at all this week. damnit. i will go gym tmr or sat...